


it'll be romantic or something

by eggstasy



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Drabble, F/M, Gen, Season/Series 01
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-07
Updated: 2016-03-07
Packaged: 2018-05-25 09:47:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6189712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eggstasy/pseuds/eggstasy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Yeah, he could totally probably do that, navigating this thing is just like looking at a map, sort of.  If the map was 3D and also transcended space and time.  Wow.  He must be better with computer stuff than he thought.</p>
            </blockquote>





	it'll be romantic or something

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Aryashi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aryashi/gifts).



Tex is too heavy for him to carry.

Which sucks, it really sucks, because that means he has to leave her body there halfway between the bases so he can go back and get his two fuckup teammates to come help him drag her back.  He would ask them over the radio but _for some fucking reason,_ beyond all rational conventions, he can only speak Spanish.  Which naturally nobody else in the fucking canyon can speak, not even the stupid Reds who’d built this stupid robot in the first place.

God.  What does it say about them that they can’t beat a team of morons who can’t even program a robot to speak their own language?  _God damn it_ he hates everybody here, including himself.

After a truly frustrating game of charades, Church gets Tucker and the rookie to follow him over to Tex’s body.  “No puedo llevarla en mi propia,” Church says flatly, not really expecting much.

“You know, no matter how many times you say it, we’re still not going to magically understand Spanish,” Tucker points out.

“TEXAS…ES…GRANDE,” Church tries again.

“Oh, I know that one,” the rookie says in that annoyingly self-assured way that convinces Church that he doesn’t actually know anything at all.  “Grande means fat.  Church, you know, that is not very nice?  She _is_ dead after all.” 

“Callate la boca,” Church grits out through his…not his teeth, his…  Actually, how _is_ he talking?  He must be using this thing’s voice box.  But that doesn’t make any sense, he can talk fine when he’s just a spirit- oh that’s it, that’s how he can talk to them, he can just hop out-

He can just-

Well fuck, okay, apparently he’s stuck for the time being, _what the fuck-_ “ Qué coño,” he exclaims.  “¿Por qué no puedo dejar?”

“I actually kind of prefer you like this, Church.”  Tucker gets his hands under Tex’s armpits and grunts as he attempts to lift her.  “Your bitching is so much easier to tolerate when I can’t understand any of it.”

“ _¿POR QUÉ NO PUEDO DEJAR?_ ” Church shrieks.  “¿Lo que la cogida que coge? ¡No!”

“Ooh, I know that one too!  That one’s no!”

“Good job rookie, you recognized the word ‘no.’  Now if only you could manage that when it’s in _fucking English_.”

“¡Me neigo a vivir el resto de mi ultratumba en este puto lata!”

Tucker drops Tex’s body with a heaving sigh.  “Church, would you stop screaming and help us carry your dead girlfriend already?  Considering you didn’t even warn the Reds, this is half your fault anyway.”

How the fuck is this _his fault-_

- _schematics are just too complicated, I need more time to work on them, I swear to god I’ll get it right, I’ll get it right this time, no, not her, not-_

“Church?”

_-too fast, I don’t have the permissions I need, if you could just lift the restrictions I could warn them, I could go find them and tell them what to expect, god no, not her, not him, **not them** -_

“Church, hey!”  Tucker snaps his fingers in Church’s face before he turns to the rookie.  “I think he took off.  Probably didn’t want to help us lug her corpse back.”

“I mean, she _is_ heavy…I wasn’t going to say anything, but she really is.”

“Pretty sure that’s the armor that’s heavy.  Hey, you know what?  We should take it off her.  Just to make this easier.”

“But it’s all gross…”

“Eh.  Yeah, you’re right.  Better leave it.”

“Estoy aquí,” Church says numbly.  What the fuck was that?  What was- He doesn’t remember that.  Was it something from this robot guy he’s in?  Something something, schematics.  That sounds like a robot thing.

“Oh good, you’re actually here.  Okay, enough bullshit.  Let’s get her out of here already.  I’m tired of listening to the Reds party over there, sounds like a fucking mariachi band moved in next door.”  Tucker shovels his hands under Tex’s arms again and grunts as he tries to lift her.  “Caboose, get her legs.”

If he can read this thing’s memories, does that mean he can do more with it?  Maybe he can find a way to switch off the Spanish on his own.

“ _I will feast upon your entrails._ ”

“What the fuck did you just say to me, rookie?”

Yeah, he could totally probably do that, navigating this thing is just like looking at a map, sort of.  If the map was 3D and also transcended space and time.  Wow.  He must be better with computer stuff than he thought.

“Nothing! Alley _oop._ ” 

“Whoa!  Holy shit!  Church, look at this!”

Actually, he knows what _most_ of this shit is.  That’s the personality matrix for this unit.  Pretty simple, it’s just a dumb AI like Sheila so it’s not like there’s a whole lot of depth to be found here.  Like those side characters they make for those periodic extranet shows back home, with the racist caricatures and the overtly homophobic stereotypes.  Why can’t people just let things be and hate everybody for just existing in their space, like he does?  Makes shit so much simpler.

“Church, are you seeing this?  Church!”

God, _what does he fucking want,_ “¿ _Qué_ , qué es lo que quieres?  Estoy tratando de resolver esto.”  Oh.  That’s what he wants.  The rookie is proudly holding up all of Tex just by the ankles like he’d fucking caught a fish.  Which holy shit yeah, he’s strong, but, “Jesucristo, dejó en el suelo. Toma un poco de respeto.”

“Hey Church, can you understand _yourself?”_ Tucker asks suddenly, thoughtful.

“Obviamente, puedo entender por mí mismo.  La gramática está jodido sin embargo, como si alguien instalado Google Translate.”

“What?”

“¿ _Por qué diablos_ me preguntas mierda cuando uno sabe que no va a entender lo que estoy diciendo? ”

“ _What?”_

“Solo vamonos,” Church grumbles, turning and heading back for the base.  The rookie hauls Tex’s body along indignantly by the ankles like a trapped rabbit, and Tucker gives one last cursory look at Sheila’s burned out cockpit before ambling after them.  Fuck.  He’ll make them go get his body off the cliff too, and then they’ll have a fucking _proper_ burial, side-by-side.  It’ll be romantic.

Or something.

**Author's Note:**

> prompt from [Aryashi](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Aryashi/pseuds/Aryashi), who read me like a dimestore pulp novel


End file.
